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by Peter Stone

If we are suffering from clinical depression, we typically lose interest in life, are overwhelmed with despair, are terrorized by obsessive fearful thoughts, and are beset by an endless cycle of anxiety attacks, insomnia, guilt, low self-esteem, shock, bewilderment, confusion, denial, and rage. We also lose the ability to feel God’s presence, cannot feel His love for us, and it feels like we can no longer take comfort from His Word.

It is therefore no surprise that while in this stage, we fear or even conclude that God has abandoned us. The magnitude of the suffering is so intense that we cannot comprehend how God could still be with us and yet allow such a thing to happen to us.

From my diary, 28th Feb 1990

Dear Jesus, I continually get angry with You.
Why have You allowed this? Where are You?
How long will You remain silent? Why won’t You heal me?
I know what You are capable of, yet You do nothing why?

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By Peter Stone

The years of 2002 to 2005 could have been the worst four years of my life. My health was literally disintegrating before my eyes.

Although I had been gradually going deaf since my late teens, in 2002, my thirty-seventh year, I lost all hearing in my left ear. I had to leave the church band, could not engage in social dialogue, stopped listening to music (one of my greatest pastimes), could not hear the television, and almost drove my family crazy asking them to constantly repeat themselves. Otosclerosis, an inherited disease that causes the calcification of the bones of the middle ear, was the cause of this ailment. Yet of equal concern to me was the accompanying tinnitus that was extremely unsettling.

Just prior to losing my hearing in one ear, after undergoing MRI and EEG scans in 2002, I was also diagnosed as suffering from complex partial epilepsy. Prior to this, I had never heard of this condition, thinking the partial-seizures to be a symptom of depression. At this time I ceased taking anti-depressants and took anti-seizure medication, which had (and still has) quite horrid side effects. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies, entered a continual state of exhaustion, and both short term and long term memory deteriorated significantly.

It was a Sunday morning in November 2004, when I had come down with the flu for the sixth time in a row, (which may have had something to do with burning the candle at both ends recently) that I reached a crossroads. With the deafness, epilepsy, and apparent inability to return to any semblance of health, I felt the crushing weight of despair threatening to descend upon me. This was the last straw.

I had a choice. My life appeared to be in a state of utter disarray. I could succumb to despair and slip into the miry pit of depression, or I could turn to Jesus and rely upon His strength in my weakness, as He said to Paul in 2 Cor 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

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By: Shannon Heiden

Beautiful One, What Are You Holding On To?

I will never forget a moment the Lord and I shared some years back. I was driving in my car and I had just resurrendered my life to Him, perhaps that was the first real time I had fully surrendered. I had been a Christian for many years but because of pain and poor choices on my part, I was suffering terribly in the Kingdom Of God.

The Lord had a Come to Jesus Meeting scheduled on the calendar, a memo I had gotten a long time ago but had forgotten about. Needless to say, when He met with me I can tell you I was radically and drastically changed, I have never been the same since nor will I ever be. I remember as I was driving, He spoke this to me; “Shannon, you used to come to me with one arm outstretched to me and the other arm behind your back, witholding all of your pain and troubles, But NOW you come with both hands stretched to me, and I am going to fill them like never before!”

What He spoke to me was such an accurate depiction of how I served the Lord and fellowshipped with him. I have loved the Lord the moment I became aware of Him, the moment He entered my heart. BUT, when He found me, He also found a whole island, not a mountain but an island, a small country if you will, of numerous problems. Drug addiction, abuse, and a woman who absolutly knew nothing of worth were just to name a few.

But what I didnt know then that I have come to know now through the process of maturing in my walk is that none of it mattered to Him. He knew me before I knew me and He knew that I was a package deal, to get me was to get my failed marriage, my abusive past, my mistrust, my misperceptions, and all of my shortcomings, He knew all of it, AND He still chose me, He looked at me as if to say; “AH there is one who will be forgiven much BUT because of it, she will love much.”

Beautiful One, there were times that I didn’t think I would ever make it through, I had alot of pain thrust on me by others, I had been rejected and abused at the deepest levels and out of all that pain by others I created new pain, it is safe to say I birthed alot of my troubles myself. Read the rest of this entry »

As a patient I was stunned. As a medical professional I found it simply the final confirmation of the suspicions I had secretly carried for the past several months. The symptoms had become far too obvious for me to ignore any longer–an all-consuming thirst, frequent urination, constant exhaustion, and steady weight gain–so I finally called a trusted friend and told her my suspicions…

“…I run two miles each morning; my blood sugar recently was 96, and I have energy again. In short, I feel like a new person. My attitude toward life and my disease is greatly different from what it was that first morning when Dr. Jovanovic confronted me with what I perceived as a “death sentence.” I am fast approaching the point at which medication may no longer be necessary, and Dr. Jovanovic has begun referring to me as her “diabetes poster child.”

“For me, the curse of being given the label of “diabetic” has turned into the blessing of a lifetime. It forced me to get control of my life and my health. I accept full responsibility for the management of both, and pursue them with a degree of vigor and enthusiasm I thought had long since left me. Lois Jovanovic told me that I would one day be thankful for my diabetes, and I could not for the life of me understand what she meant. Now I do. So I say, “Thank You, God, for giving me diabetes. And thank You for making my life worth living again.”

Read the full article.

Father God, here I am. I’m resting in the pasture that you’ve provided for me. Yet, I’m still restless. I feel underutilized. You know me, better than I know myself. You know that my ability to be patient requires that you have patience with me.

Lord, there are so many things I can do…or not do. I can sit and “be still” and know you are God while I focus on what you’ve given me for right now, such as learning how to be a better father, a better husband, a better son, and a more disciplined disciple. Or, I can attempt to do much more, beyond my daily responsibilities. Lord, won’t you please help me. Show me, dear Father, what you will have me to do. I give you all that I am and all that I hope to become. Mold me into who I need to be so that you can work through me to accomplish Your will.

And, along those lines, convict my heart to understand the difference between trying to be successful as opposed to being faithful. Whether my purpose is to accomplish something small or great, I know I can’t do anything without you. I’ve been there, tried to move ahead of your loving hand, and made others suffer the consequences. I’m sorry. Forgive me.

What is your plan for my life? Guide me. Teach me. In the name of Jesus I pray, amen.

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I heard this story some time in the past. I’ve shared this story many times in the past. It always brings a smile. Yet, I don’t know where, or to whom to give the credit.

~ ~ ~

A faithful and devout Christian woman, who lived in a tightly packed, trailer park community, lost her job at the local plant due to a work force reduction during a hot, sticky summer. Not able to afford air conditioning, she would open all the doors and windows of her domicile. Her next door neighbor also worked at the plant. Unlike her, however, he did not lose his job.

Each morning, the faithful woman would pray. In her fervor and pleading, she’d wake up her neighbor. When he’d return home from work in the late afternoons, he noticed that she was still praying. Even when he was about to go to bed, he could clearly hear the faithful woman speaking to what he considered to be no one in particular.

One night, after a particularly humid day, the gentleman was annoyed. He listened to the woman’s prayers.

“Lord, Father God, hear my prayer. I praise you. I thank you. I ask for your forgiveness for my lack of faith. I’m hungry, dear Lord. I need food. I’m out of work. I have no money. I know you see me. I know that you hear me. Feed me what you will, Lord. Thank you for the blessing of knowing you; for hearing your words, and being clothed in my right mind to discern truth from folly. Amen.”

“Would you shut up all that noise,” he yelled from his trailer to hers. “I’m trying to go to bed. Unlike you, I got a job. Maybe if you’d stop spending all that time on your knees and got up to look for some work, you’d have something to eat. Why waste your time praying to a god that doesn’t exist.”

“My God does exist,” she replied. “And, I pray that one day you will see His work.”

He scoffed and went to bed. The faithful woman arose from her knees and did the same.

And, so it went. Each morning, afternoon, and evening, the faithful woman prayed to the Lord, thanking Him, praising Him, seeking forgiveness, and asking that her needs be met, according to His will.

On Friday morning, she woke up her neighbor again with her prayers. He was livid.

“Woman,” he yelled to her. Do you have any decency? I have to work, but I don’t need to be up this early. It’s bad enough that I have to wait for you to finish that babble in the evening, but must you wake me up with it.”

She ignored him and finished her prayers.

As the gentleman rode to work, he devised a scheme to prove to his neighbor that God didn’t exist. He figured, since she’s always asking for food, he would go grocery shopping and get the food for her. Then maybe she’d finally shut up, he reasoned.

Later, just before sundown, the woman was praying, once again. As she finished, she heard the footsteps at her front door, followed by a knock. Seeing three bags, full of groceries, she fell to her knees and thanked God profusely. “Lord, Jesus, thank you for this blessing. You are truly my God.”

The gentleman was waiting close by, around the corner, and out of her sight. When he heard her giving thanks, he jumped out from hiding, “I told you,” he yelled.

“You told me what,” she asked.

“There is no God. The only god that brought these groceries to you is me. I bought these; with my money. And, I’m giving them to you. I’m so sick and tired of hearing you. Now, you can know what I know; the only thing you can depend on in this life is yourself. Now get up, take those groceries, and shut up once and for all.”

“Sir, without a shadow of a doubt, I know my God provided these groceries for me,” she responded, as she collected the bags. “I know Jesus. He loves me. And, he loves you. He provided these groceries for me. He just used a fool to deliver them.”

Having just started listening to the Book of John, I am moved by the Spirit to once again acknowledge and proclaim that it’s ALL about Jesus! Nothing in this life matters above our call to know, love, and accept the grace and mercy of Him, our Savior.

I recall in my early and first experience in the Adventist faith, I was taught primarily about the laws and proper code of conduct for disciples through the teaching of Ellen G. White. Many, who have come to know me today, believe me to be anti-law, and anti-Ellen White. While I would disagree with that connotation on so many levels, I would agree that I am first and foremost all about Jesus.

And what’s wrong with that?

Nothing. Even Ms. White herself wrote: “This hypocrisy [of the Pharisees] Christ declared would bring them the greater damnation. The same rebuke falls upon many in our day who make a high profession of piety. Their lives are stained by selfishness and avarice, yet they throw over it all a garment of seeming purity, and thus for a time deceive their fellow men. But they cannot deceive God.”— Ellen G. White, The Desire of Ages, p. 614.

Jesus warned his disciples to be on guard against the yeast, or deceptive teaching of the religious leaders of the day. I believe the same can be said or us in this time. I recall a bible study lesson that I gave recently where one of the discussion questions was as follows:

Whatever we might have to say about the Pharisees, one point we shouldn’t forget. They were members of God’s remnant church, the elite of the only faith in the world that had present truth. What’s the message, and warning, for us in that fact?

I believe that occasionally, some Adventists adopt an attitude and behavior that can only be described as “holier than thou.” Because of their claim to the fullness of truth that the Adventist faith offers, some fall into the trap of hypocrisy. Their outward demeanor and interactions, or lack thereof, with others screams out load with their disdain for anything that is inconsistent with their understanding of the truth. And, they wear their disdain with honor, like the Pharisees wore their long robes with the extra long tassels.

They pay their tithes to the penny, but neglect to volunteer for community service, or social outreach. They claim enlightenment of healthful living and a vegan lifestyle as a manifestation of their faith. Yet, they’ll eat a cow when no one is looking. Or, they lie in waiting for a newcomer to visit, telling them to do this, or do that, but not this, or not that, in order to make disciples of ideals rather than Jesus. And the newcomers listen because these hypocrites appear righteous. But, on the inside they are full of selfish ambition and greed for attention.

The message, the warning for all of us is to remember that regardless of our station in life, or our current understanding of the truth we’ve been allowed to have, we are all the same; sinful, and unworthy of the gift we have in Jesus.

And, in the end, that’s why it’s all about Jesus.

In Mark 4, I listen again to the Parable of the Sower. And, I am moved.

While the parable clearly refers to the Gospel and our response to it, I’m struck by how true the parable is for any truth that is shared in our lives. Truth, as I’ve mentioned before, is available for all. There is no shade under the sun where Truth can be hidden. We can shield our ears and eyes from it. But, that doesn’t change the fact that the Truth is for all.

Over the course of our lives, when we allow God to direct our paths, He leads us through the valley. And along the way, He shares knowledge, wisdom, and understanding to implement into our daily lives. While this knowledge, wisdom, and understanding are not the Gospel, it nonetheless is still truth, and blessings that come from Him. How do we respond to these lesser seeds of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding?

I was moved by the Holy Spirit to reconsider how I have responded to recent truth. I’ve been “hesitant” to move down that path. I’ve grown comfortable in the valley that the Lord made available to me. So, when the idea of moving on was presented to me, I resisted. I was a big fish in this small pond. And, I liked it. But recently, I’ve been allowed to see the ocean, and the blue whales that make it their home. The Lord has provided His grace and blessing to show me the way that I too may swim with the whales.

Something has been holding me back though. Too much mud. Or, as in the parable, too many weeds. Some might call it fear of the unknown. But, I don’t know if it’s fair to call it fear, ‘cause I don’t “feel” fear. What I do feel, however, is a lack of faith; a lack of trust.

Forgive me, Father.

In this regard, the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that He’s offered to share with me have, thus far, fallen on hard soil. Fortunately, His appointed farmer is still able and willing to tend to my fields. And prayerfully, the hearing of His word during my daily commute will be the life giving rain that is needed for the seeds to germinate. And, to that end, every seed must die before it can germinate. Plainly stated, I must die to my selfish desires on a daily basis, pick up my cross, trust in Him who loves me, and follow.

Dear Jesus, into thy hands, I give to thee. I want to believe!

Matthew 9:10-13 (NLT)

Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?”

When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

As I drove along and listened to the Bible Experience, I listened to the passage above and thought to myself, “Am I a victim of my own protectionist walls.” Not long ago, I was persecuted by some members of my own local church family regarding my plans to invite the community to join us for a series of picnics in our yard. I responded to these critics by informing them that Jesus desires for us to share His word with the world. And the world, as I continued, is beyond our walls.

If Jesus was willing to sit, visit, and eat with those who were “cast aside” by the “enlightened” ones, shouldn’t we model our outward ministry to others in the same manner.

Something to think about…

Matthew 7:6 – - Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.

Ellen G. White writes that we are “wonderfully and fearfully” made. My appreciation of that statement is heightened by my study of the bujyutsu of Japan, i.e. martial arts.

During this morning’s commute, my Bible Experience brought to mind a book that I’ve been introduced through my training. The information therein originated in Japan and is thousands of years old. More specifically, the book discusses and describes the abilities we all have as humans when we are first and foremost connected to Him, who made us. The book was compiled by an individual who rightfully and respectfully gives homage to God as the actual author. In fact, he says of himself that he is merely the recipient of God’s truth and a willing vessel to share for future generations.

This book is available to anyone. It can be purchased on the internet. Or, it can be borrowed from any library in Japan. And still, although the information is in plain sight, the truth that is available within is fully hidden. In fact, only a handful of individuals throughout history can honestly claim to have achieved the teachings.

Why?

Jesus used parables to teach many truths. He would say, “Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.” (Matt 13:9, NLT)

When His disciples wondered and asked why He didn’t just make it plain, He told them, “You are permitted to understand the secrets of the Kingdom of Heaven, but others are not. To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given, and they will have an abundance of knowledge. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them.” (Matt 13:11-12, NLT)

For those without an ear to hear, or an eye to see, or a heart to feel as given by the blessing of God Himself, can not contemplate and/or imagine the manifestation that comes from the truth that is given to us.

Initially, after receiving the insight of the contents of the book mentioned above, I wanted to tell all who were interested in the bujyutsu of my good fortune. I wanted them to know that they too could have the same opportunity. When they showed their skepticism or their lack of belief, I engaged them in debate. I sought out every objection they held dear in order to overcome them. I wanted to enable those individuals to see the truth as it has been shared with me, and seek the opportunity to capture it.

My efforts were in vain and disdained. Moreover, I found myself doing to them what I find to be reprehensible amongst some of us as Adventists; citing a higher sense of truth and enlightenment while making others feel less about what truth they have themselves. Moreover, I found myself struggling with discouragement. The enemy, through the “inner me,” spoke to me often. I began to question and vacillate. If this is the truth, why then is there so much resistance to accepting it,” I wondered.

I forgot. The Gospel is for all. But not all will accept it. Truth is for all. But not all will be able to attain the fullness of it.

No matter how on fire we can be to evangelize and share the truth and the way, many will turn their backs to it. Still, we must not allow ourselves to become discouraged. We can’t lose sight of the fact that as they first rejected Him, most will reject us, because of Him.

Believe!

Matthew 1:18-20 (NLT)

18 This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit.

19 Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly.

20 As he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit.

Right from the start of my daily privilege of listening to the Bible Experience, I’m struck by the story of a man who learns that the woman he is prepared to marry is pregnant. I’m speaking of Joseph, of course. I imagine what he must have been thinking when Mary told him. But, I know how he must have felt.

I recall, with clear recollection, of being young and “in love” with my very first girlfriend. I wasn’t even out of high school yet, but I just knew that K.D. was the perfect match for me. Imagine that. But, I don’t need to imagine what it felt like when she told me that she was pregnant. And, I too, like Joseph knew that I couldn’t possibly be the father.

Although I felt betrayed, I was in what I can only describe as a state of shock. So much so that I think my only words to her was, “congratulations.” Everyone in my school just knew I had to be the father. Even my mother suspected I was the father.

It started as a whisper. But, when it finally became know that I wasn’t the father, it became an open joke. Somebody else beat my time and got my girl pregnant. And, to make matters worse, I never, ever suspected that there was someone else.

Feeling hurt, feeling ashamed, and feeling like a lame duck, I became angry. I remember that I refused to even speak with her. When I saw her in the hallways, I turned and went the other way. Eventually, she transferred to a different school; one that could attend to her special needs. After all, we were only 16 years old.

As I listen to the story of Joseph, I can honestly feel what he must have felt. Still, Joseph was a man of God. He was willing to allow the Lord to guide him and be the Lord of his life regardless of the circumstances. He was obedient. And most importantly, he recognized that his feelings were not an accurate measure of how he should conduct himself and react to circumstances. Joseph allowed God’s will to be the guiding light of his life.

It’s an important lesson.

~ ~ ~

Years later, as I was leaving home for college, K.D. called me at home to wish me well. She even invited me over to see the baby…a girl, and a toddler at that point. I declined. About two years after that I believe, when I was beginning my junior year of college, K.D. got my phone number somehow and called me again. She wanted to see me. She wanted to know if I could possibly still be interested in seeing her. That was the last time we ever spoke.

And, I still have a difficult time trusting others and letting my guard down.

With vivid clarity, I’m beginning to see why the Lord has placed me in my current situation. I tried my very best to find a job close to home. I was even willing to be vastly under-employed for the opportunity to have a short commute. I have so much on my plate these days, I prayed for the simplicity of a solution that I felt was best, not just for me, but for my entire family. But, as I’ve shared earlier, the Lord has led me, when I’ve been willing to be led, by creating circumstances, and/or restricting opportunities that might have “distracted” me.

So, as I drive each day, to and from work, spending more than two and a half hours in the car each day, I believe the Lord wants my “captive” attention. And, He shall have it.

A few weeks ago, I started a new job. I’m very thankful of the opportunity to work and support my family. It is a blessing that arrived right on time and not a minute too soon. God is good…all the time.

However, my commute is upwards of an hour to an hour and a half, each way. Initially, I dreaded the commute. But, for the past couple of days, I’ve had the pleasure of listening to the Bible Experience.

I began my journey in the New Testament, listening to the Book of Matthew. And although I’ve read through the Gospels many times over, I’m in awe of how the Holy Spirit moves me through certain passages. I will endeavor to bring these ‘movings’ of the Spirit to you as I continue this journey Along the Way.

When I lead a discussion during Sabbath School, I find a sense of ‘encouragement,’ for lack of a better word, when the sermon that follows continues upon the same theme. One might assume that this would be a frequent occurrence. But, on the contrary, it is not always the case.

The pastor prepares his sermons well in advance. Due to the fact that he has three church congregations, sits on no less than six New Jersey Conference level committees, and holds a departmental position, he is in a word, busy! Thus, he trusts his congregation leaders to fulfill their missions. As such, he is not aware from one week to the next what we are studying in Sabbath School. So, when the occasion arises where his sermon and the Sabbath School lesson are “in synch,” it is a very strong blessing to all of us in attendance that can only be considered from God.

Recently, I submitted a post entitled, “They Just Don’t Get It.” There within, I attempted to acknowledge that our salvation has nothing to do with our ability to behave in a certain manner. Rather, our salvation is a gift, which is everything we base our hopes upon. That said, even though we accept the gift of salvation, we are called to live a changed life; a life that reflects our love for Jesus and accepting the truth that He shares with us.

This past weekend, once again, my pastor’s sermon and I were “in synch.” Specifically, consider the words of Paul in Philippians 3:12-14:

“Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Paul emphasizes that he doesn’t consider himself to have been “saved.” Rather, he considers himself called to a responsibility to “press toward the goal” of the prize. The prize is of course the crown of heaven. He is NOT saying that he has to work for his prize. Rather, he is saying that he is always striving to be like Christ and thus completely live his life fully for Him. In short, it’s a mindset that we, as Christians, should adapt: to model our lives to be like Christ.

In Corinthians 11:1 Paul says, “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.

My pastor, Mike Gill, said this past Sabbath, “We can’t think of ourselves of having made it yet. Oh, we can have confidence that God will finish the work he has begun in us. Because we are saved by grace, through faith and not of ourselves but through a gift of God, we can trust in the gift giver…Paul has no trust that he has reached a level of perfection that is worthy of Heaven’s approval. [Rather, he] trusts that those justified in the Father’s sight are seen as perfect solely based on the merits of Christ.

“There is always room for growth in all of us.”

About three months ago, my family and I stopped at a pet store to purchase some aquarium fish. When we left, we were the “proud” owners of a puppy. There’s one born every minute, they say. And on that day, I was it. The saying is, to err is human, but to forgive is divine. Well, our new family member, named Avalanche because he looks like an energetic snowball, isn’t human. Still, through him I was reminded of a very important lesson.

This morning, as I was still trying to squeak out the last few minutes of sleep, my wife tells me that Avalanche used our deck to relieve himself. Well, suffice to say, I didn’t appreciate that development. It had rained the night before, so I suppose he didn’t want to get his feet wet. As if…the nerve! And just last week, once again, I suppose Avalanche was having too much fun playing with the kids that he didn’t want to waste any time to go outside. So, he relieved himself on my carpet.

In the animal kingdom, mammels of like-kind disagree and sometimes fight aggressively between each other. Yet, moments later, after the fight is over, they have been documented displaying very kind behavior to one another. The moment I informed Avalanche that I was most displeased with his behavior, he responded by bowing his head and tucking his tail. In ‘dog speak’, I imagine that he was asking for forgiveness.

In an effort to be funny, I told him, “I’m human. I can hold a grudge forever.”

As I said, I was in fact trying to be funny. But in the process, and unfortunately, I was most truthful. Many of us have learned how to forgive through the lessons and example of Jesus. Yet, the ability to forget is where we, where I, can get caught up. In truth, each time I remember a past wrong, I have to process the ability to forgive all over again. It’s a crazy cycle.